A Life Less Ordinary

Your name is John…and you deliver babies. You secretly hold your breath each time you grasp their tiny little heads…you hold your breath secretly…each time until they move about and cry. You hold your breath each time you carry their soft slippery gooey bodies across the room. You secretly hold your breath on a lot of stuff and pretty much get away with it.

                   You have been working in the same hospital…with the same people for an unknown period of time. You do not care. For a time, nothing meant anything anymore You do not care. It just started not to matter for a really long time. You are disgusted by the outside world as much as the people that you help. Full of desperate and needy people…the only difference is…people outside hide them better. There is no place for you out there. Except beside the warm body that cuddles you at night after a long shift is over.

                  Its madness really. But you do not care. You like it that way. So it was the same when she was born. She was a slimy 6.6lbs…with a physiologic physique. A baby. You held your breath just the same. You waited for the cry…and carried her body across the room just the same. It was 2am…and you really wanted to sneak sleep for a few minutes. Sleeping helps pass the time. Makes things go faster. She was suppose to sleep after you did your thing. But irritatingly, she didn’t. She opened her eyes and you were alarmed by something unusual. At first your senses were dazed. At first you held your breath again. She had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen in this life. She started to smile…and for some unknown reason, looked around, as if curious of the rotting walls of the room…she said “hello”. You look around, but most of the staff were on their own sneaky corners…sleeping for a sneaky 5-10mins before another one gets delivered. You looked at her, wearily almost jumpy…and said to yourself…I am in trouble. The little baby asked, “why is that?”. You replied, “I think I just lost my mind. Would you help me find it?” The baby laughed. How can a baby laugh? You ask yourself. She laughed and giggled to your sarcastic little remarks. You indulged her a bit…talked a bit. Sometimes, insanity is an entertaining thing you tell yourself. I will take a pill for it later. Anyway, you both go on and on about what the world is like. You, of course talked about what mattered to you. Music books, hospital drama. And then she stops and asked, “You don’t look happy?” “Are you kidding? I am happy, I like what I am doing, better to let the world rot while we constantly try to clean up the mess” “Your funny” she says. Tired and bored with the direction of the story I tell her to sleep, like the rest of the babies beside her. She says, “I will in a minute but I wanted to ask you why you like being unhappy? Why is misery so attractive to you” I tell her its not. That I wanted to help people, there was nothing I wanted to do rather than this. Life is full of pain and misery…I just learned to accept it and live with it. She looked at me angrily with her big brown eyes and said, “Are you on crack? I did not get born just to enjoy misery” You then argue “…then you should not have gone and be born…this world…this life…its all about that little good thing preceeded by a ridiculously huge amount of bad things. It is pain that tucks you in bed almost every night…It is pain that helps us wake up and move forward” She begins to cry…and then…you suddenly feel like the biggest idiot.

You vigorously apologize to her and say that there are small things that do make it worthwhile for you. One of which was seeing someone as beautiful as her. For the rest of your life, people you meet along the way shall never see the beauty that you saw that night…in that filthy little place. You tell her you felt sorry for the rest of the world. She begins to sob slowly and then stops crying altogether. She says “John, I think your beautiful too. I am mystified by you…I am curious, elated, and very excited to hear your stories. I think your beautiful and a good enough reason to live. I am in awe and can never imagine meeting anyone like you”. Then it comes…That sudden chill from your spine…the dumbest, simplest, warmnest feeling in your heart. You fear feeling warm…you hate feeling anything…You are mortified by the truth. You feel your iron walls melting like butter. You began to realize this baby does not know how much she has suddenly made you feel…vulnerable again. You begin to hate her because you suddenly feel happy with her. And that is that. She smiles for a long time…you take a picture together…A look in her eyes says she is happy…and there is no place she would rather be at this time than be with you. She falls asleep moments after. You close your eyes a bit and everything was back to normal. Your eyes were a few seconds away from shedding a tear. You never were comfortable having tears…You almost forgot how salty they can be. Then suddenly you hear shouting and the clanking metal rolling towards the delivery room. Your eyes open, you put on your mask…and automatically move in gear towards the incoming patient…secretly holding your breath. Still with the same passion…still with the same resolve…Secretly an inch happier. Sneakingly holding on to a tad more hope…

I heard something today…from a show I have constantly admired…which sounded really good at the time and made perfect sense with my mood…I hope you dont mind me sharing it…Seeing as it is my blog. People will need to choose their paths. This is very important so please listen closely.

There comes a time where a man has to choose between a life of happiness…or a life of meaning. Now, people think that they can have both…I certainly try like most young people do…but there is no such thing. They are but two different worlds. Like you, I shift myself between them, trying to wed them both. But to be truly happy…a man has to live absolutely in the present…no thought of whats gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. Buddha, I guess. A life of meaning…means to be damned to wallow in the past…and to be constantly obsses with the future.

I think lately I have been trying to have both too hard. Where as it is, I already made my choice a long time ago. Regret is such a bittersweet thing. That is why we have to try to minimize it. Being young as I am, I can’t help it. Mistakes were always meant to happen. I would dive in every single time, knowing the risks of making mistakes, just to make them. The strong can only grow through adversity. And without it, i would be a safe young man back home, who would never have known and never have appreciated what a man of strength,…a man of meaning,…and a man of happiness…truly means.

Being alive is a good thing…I found out that no matter where you go…some people will hate you. Some people will kinda like you…but mostly some people will hate you. They will have nothing better to do than talk behind your back. Maybe at the end of the day, it entertains them to an extent. Which I can never get since I am very fond of them in the first place. But what really bites me is…any other ordinary day I would shrug it off. I would have 99 more important things to do. What they think of me…really dosen’t reflect who I am. My name Is JB Abano…People I know from my favorite hospitals call me "Fox". I am here because the people I tried to help…accidentally got well. And I thank God everyday…and I ask if I can help some more. I love my friends…and a friend sorta reminded me today what it was like to laugh and just be myself. I can never really play the whole drama thing for very long. I dont live to put people down…I think everyone who knows me…know that I always beef people up. It’s why I  am here. I am significantly miserable and clumsy whenever I try being selfish(which always ends up badly anyway). Under tremendous pressure…I am about to take an exam…which I used to think decides who I am. This Holy Week, I implored God for two things. To guide me to complete what I set out to do. And secondly, to help me get people accidentally better again. It is kinda mushy…and i know some of you do not believe in a higher power…but I do…and whatever I do next…that very next step I take…I take it with utmost sincerity. But before anything else, i need to conquer my fears…I am not afraid to show weakness to others…or to give my best to people…I am however afraid of failing and letting people down…but because someone did say that courage was not the absence of fear…but finding the stupdity to face it…and I am glad I got that pegged down real good.

Imagine you can never speak…Not a single sound…….Not a hymm, not a yawn…not a single sigh. Ever. Then Imagine you are given one chance to speak,…What would you say?

Imagine a life so mudane and hopeless…Where everything else is constant…That death would be such a sweet release…Imagine people lining up to jump off that ledge…What would you say?

Imagine the people you love…suffering and in pain…trusting you and your finite wisdom…Hoping you can help take back their lives…Imagine that you are lost…and uncertain of what to do…What would you say?

Imagine you are faced with our Creator…the vastness of His power…the insignificance of you…centered to His attention…Imagine he takes a good long look inside you…What would you say?

Imagine you fell asleep…Reason be damned, you see her again in front of you. Imagine their is nothing else left in this life but to be true…No masks, No circumstances,…and no roles to play…Imagine you were given a chance to whisper…What would you say?

Imagine the swaying of a tree…the flow of a river that would not move an inch…Imagine that world would completely stop, standstill, and listen to you…Imagine the silence that would break on the very next sound you make…What would you say?

What a glorious day it is today…..frack that…today was one hell of a ride. A heart got lost. Yes, literally…a human heart. Funny, I was doing one of the big experiments today…and was having some problems. My Boss was kinda pissy with the results of an experiment that basically says we have a big huge dump of data we can never use. All that hard work…nulled by a simple test that should have been done a long time ago. Now, everyone is in that foul mood…where you just wanna hide whatever sunshine you have left…lest they steal it from you. Alas…I get the entire 4th floor looking for me. Apparently, some people kept calling, looking for me regarding a surgery I did last week. Apparently, the heart was missing. It was the single request of the family to leave the heart in the body…and now it was gone. Just my luck…I am suspect #1(reminds me of PGH charity hospital). I am really not in any position to reveal much details…except for the fact the heart was missing…I was being grilled in a conference call(I was on a speaker talking to the heads of offices)…and I was being asked to do all sorts of stuff. But wait…just so there can be no confusion, I placed the heart back in the body. Together with my chinese surgeon partner. So what happened to it? Somewhere along the line…someone either got it or forgot to put it back. I know a lot of researchers need different things from cadavers…but it would take a really cruel person to just steal it off the bat. I think everyone just infected me with this foul mood. Studying(my only social interaction) and my weekly darts thursday game are definitely out since I promised a friend I would watch his wife’s dance production. All that plus the pressure of my exams and the bleak possibility I may lose my temporary job because of this. Times like this makes me happy I dont own a gun…I can just shoot myself. Times like this I wish I got someone to hug…instead of kicking elevators when no ones around…Times like these I wish I had a place to hang my battered heart…and a cold glass of beer or diet rum coke…

Do you ever have one of those moments where you wrap and wrap…and keep on wrapping your brain into something that just escapes your limits of reason? It can be an ordinary feeling…a deja vu effect…or it can be what I call a "Stuterring Effect".

       Now, there is this place, not far from where I work, where a beautiful, petite, amelie-like predicament resides. Now, I am a doctor. You all know how arrogant and confident doctors are suppose to be. You all know how surgeons get aggressive and very difficult to suprise. You all know this. Because we live for suprises…we train for them. We’re like samurai warriors, slicing and dicing. You can come in…covered in blood…with your intestines hanging out…and your arms amputated…and we still move in a orderly manner. Carefully planning our day while moving with predatorial precision. We train for this sorta things. We live and breathe challenges like this. I have been faced with so much drama, cruelty, desperate situations, hopeless cases…and extraordinary circumstances in life…But never, do I often face a force so powerful…it robs me of my obsessive confidence.

I have it in good faith that this person is spoken for. But why does the sight of her eyes…her smile…that frustratingly curly hair…and that damn soothing voice shudders my arrogant butt to the ground. It’s not that I am interested in asking a ’spoken for’ person out…I guess she just has that effect on me. Kinda like the effect I get when I talk to my Boss(who dosent have curly hair)…My Parents…My beautiful Ex…and maybe God when I see Him. Her hypnotizing aura relentlessly breaks me up. And its funny…because I try to ignore her…so she dosent feel uneasy and bothered…so I don’t get in her way really…but you cant help but glance sometimes. I can ignore the prettiest girl around…especially when I am engage on something else…but I guess, like I said…their are some things in life you can never really figure out.

The funny thing is, I get to talk to her every now and then…but I think she is kinda weirded out by me…because I turn into a language illiterate idiot when I utter whatever 3rd grade elementary language I had…when I was in 3rd grade.  It is just so frustrating that this person gives me the hiccups. And I try to resolve it by embarassing myself once. Good thing I am gonna be done with this exam in 3 weeks…then I can concentrate in cracking people’s chest open, and bathe in my obsessive illusion that I call confidence. Things can go back to normal and I can start being an looney adult again…Silly as it may sound, but these are very silly times…and I am still trap in a very serious silly highwire world right now…

"I’m supposed to be able to do anything with this life……Anything I ever imagined. Save the world?…I’ve done that…more than once…and more than one life. Not to brag or anything, but I have saved and helped countless of needy lives…their eyes are the only thanks I ever needed. So why can’t I save my own life? Why is nothing clear or simple anymore?

There comes a time when we need to GROW….GO…and GLOW. Up to today, I am confused on which really comes first. Do we GROW first? Or GO? Or GLOW to GO and GROW? Which came first? The chicken? Or the egg? Before you scratch that head and tell me how I never seemed to make any sense in this life…I want you to sit for one quiet moment…one moment…and ask yourself…which part of that cycle are you in right now? To whom do we owe all this growing…going…and glowing? What is the first step we should take? Taking the next step depends on your grasp of where you came from…and who you were…of the people around you now…and the people that were…Professor Xavier once disturbed me with a thought…He said…that there were two essential questions to creation…two questions that should always be asked by man in regards to creation of any form. Why it was created…and…What do we do next?

I, for one, decided to move my humble confabulating little thoughts to a new place…where I can GO, GROW, and GLOW…in whatever order I see fit. You can now bookmark my new homepage in your explorer’s favorites section located in the top corner of this window. My new home is foxdared.blogspot.com…Go ahead and give me a click…maybe life would become more interesting than before…

For a guy trying to be a man without fear……I am Afraid. Fear has invaded every aspect of my life and has seeded every corner. My new found happiness is packed with fear…enough to make one stand down and fly away. It is good however to note that the very warmth of her breathe and gushing cheeks is enough to make me forget even my own name. Still fear has seeded that future. I have fears on further breaking my family apart…the weakness it may bring to our chain. Fear that i may settle in the states whereas i always wanted to settle in manila. Fear of this New Job that will take me 2 years to finish. Fear of the immediate exam next week. Fear that all of this would still amount to nothing…and all the things i set out to do will be forgotten…and my life would be meaningless. Maybe it’s just too many changes to handle in such short time. Too early to even fail. Like Ron Marz said in Green Lantern: "the trick in doing the impossible is taking the first step…". It is funny though…I’m taking those first steps…sitting in this hard wooden chair…with the smell of coffee all around…dim yellow lights…with all the korean people surrounding me…i can’t help but wonder why i am yet so alone in this trials. I half expected things to be different considering the certain changes throughout the months. Yet, I face my demons alone yet again. I am fascinated on how fate always reminds me of the proverb i was embedded in as i was growing up. That this is my life…My own life…and that i shall carry it alone. That no matter what happens…or what people say…i am destined to be alone. That i can carry other people…If and only if…i learn to carry my own…If and only if…i never forget. That to think otherwise, would be foolish and detrimental. To want something more…invites disappoinment and misery. And there lies my fear…the very reason i am afraid…the justification of this entry. I am afraid because…i am a stubborn bastard…who shall still try…no matter what my fate is…I shall face my demons…not without fear…but with courage…and whatever strength i do/don’t have…because in the end…i know where i am gonna go…I know what my fate will be…but in my end…the future…like so many things in life…is open to my own interpretation…What’s yours?