A Life Less Ordinary

"And there she was yet again….Back from a lost time yet again….It always starts with a sigh….and ends with inaudible cries. How I wish this string of dreams would end….night after night it starts the same way and ends peculiarly the same. I have the sudden urge to change it…to change tiny little details just so, to the very least, change my dream. I am an idiot though, I am dead to her. I have told myself that single fact for the thousandth time. For that thousandth time I touched her…. that very last time I ever touched her…..it wasn’t her….not anymore…..she was something else….something cold….cold and empty…and different. So I awaken every morning….I admit my faults and carry on….burying everything with books and work….life and people.  But every now and then, somewhere between reality and haunting dreams….my heart catches a breeze with her scent in it. The light soft chuckle she puts out, echoing in my head. That taste of her puddle sweat in my tongue. In the darkest hours of the morning I remember her. I didn’t know I’d find her one day. It wasn’t the kind of morning I’d expect to find her in. But then, I had a whole year of nights to practice this day. The sweat was cold in my chest, my throat was a cup of sand, and my heart just started to pound and embarrasses me yet again. But this time, I capture my voice….what passes in this life as a voice. I greet her and ask her how she’s doing. How her work and review were doing. We talked about her immediate fears….never dwelling on concerns about our personal lives. Just like reflex, I try to help her out….with probably useless wisdom and words of encouragement. They all fall flat in her face…she just shrugs them off and smiles….barely. And after minutes…or hours……or days…she needed to leave. I tell myself instantly, “Let her go. Be quiet and learn this time you moron!”………..

                 I didn’t say a word, not a sound or even a single sigh. I just fell in her shoulders, and crushed my lips upon hers. I hugged her as tight as I possibly can without causing her harm…or discomfort. And with that….her heart skips….her breathing budges…..she flinches……..and then she left, but she never looked back. It was a small split second. For reasons I never really understood…I was happy. Not gleefully happy, but like a drop of pure happiness that fell upon me. It was sincere. It was enough. And then there was nothing but my own life again. My own life and people….and more books. The priest was right though. “You must let her go”, he said. It seems she wasn’t haunting me. I was haunting her……And even though our passion and love was a fire that was hot and blistering across every street in history….I was cold. I was left someplace cold again. Then, I take a second to make sure…I collect myself….I lifted myself up….and still continued reviewing for the biggest exam in my life……”

What a Day…Did hundreds of surgical review questions since i’m in the surgery part of my review  right now…had dinner with a friend and caught up with the whats what….got a great gift…which i’m a little too shy to open even when i’m already alone…and thought of someone i lost again tonight. I do that every single day. Think we all do. I wonder about the bad things that happened, why they happened, and the people you lost through those experiences. What makes tonight different is, i thought of a different person. Different from the one ive been wondering about for the last year. Thing is, she never got it.It’s kinda sad.Life moves on i guess. The world will literally spin by…and everything will pass,as the four seasons are always known for that.You know, people will always….always….always….say things about you. Maybe because there too tired to live there own lives or are envious of some people.I’ve learned through the hard way to live through both kinds of people.My advice: Just do what you think suites you.The people thats left behind are the ones you can always depend on. This is a very different entry i guess…maybe i just felt like venting or blabbing about useless stuff…..Before i go…i will sing you a SONG. Yep, a SONG. It’s a irritatingly addicting filipino song i kinda got hooked on yesterday. Goes something like this….AHEM(2x)…….

"Labis na naiinip
Nayayangot sa bawat saglit

Kapag naalala ka
Wala naman akong magawa..

Umuwi ka na baby
‘Di na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi’y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha
At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi

‘Di mapigilang mag-isip
O baka sa tagal
Mahulog ang loob mo sa iba
Nakakabalisa
Knock on wood wag naman sana

Umuwi ka na baby
‘Di na ako sanay ng wala ka
Mahirap ang mag-isa
At sa gabi’y hinahanap-hanap kita

Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay
Na makasama kang muli
Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap
At tanging ikaw lang ang
Pumapawi sa mga luha
At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi..

Umuwi ka na baby..
Umuwi ka na baby..
Umuwi ka na baby…"

THE BOY WHO STOOD UP AND ASKED,WHAT IF I DO?

By John Benedict Abano, 07/24/05

What if I do?

What am I suppose to do?

What does it all come down to?

Where would it all lead to?

Does it bother you too?

What if I do?

What does that mean to you?

What would you do?

How would you know it’s true?

How would I know it’s true?

Would the world know too?

Will it change you?

Will it change me too?

Will that be alright with you?

Don’t wonder, I am confused too…

It’s just too much to chew.

It’s all just tiny little clues.

But all my guts are saying,

What if I do?

My very First Film Review…Ok, well,.. when i got home today at around 4:30pm, my Dad, being my Dad, told me to take the evening off and go watch a movie. So……. being open to suggestions, i did. I couldn’t find anything better to watch, aside from something about a blonde person, and another hewitt cheesy film (i just guessed….)……and a movie about a classic car with the leading actress getting her cup sized digitally reduced due to film critics who were mothers…….so, i decided to take up the new Jackie Chan movie. This is……my good friends… The Jackie Chan!!!… i love this guy…i practically grew up in his films and have fond memories of my grandfather taking me and my big brother to go watch his movies. So great!!!… it’s decided. I walked up, got comfortable in my atc cinema chair, and with no expectations whatsoever… waited until the movie started…… and behavely…..and curiously watched until the very end of the movie……paying attention to numerous details and aspects of the film. I think thats what film critics do…watch the whole thing, in it’s entirety and then make the review. So generally here it is……I’m just gonna say the first thing that pops in my head……..I did not like it. No,…. wait!!! that’s not right……It sucked……too strong……it was a big mess……It was a very bug mess….wait…it was really bad….really, really bad. So, my friend Caz, tells me i gotta go way into detail to make my review worth reading.(i wished i just continued reviewing for my boards…) Anyway, Jackie was good. He was old……and truly it showed……but he was good. That much i can tell you. The rest is pretty much downhill. The story was very uninspired. The script and plot……a huge collage of messy vomit that came the morning after a medical drinking party after a very, very, huge exam. The leading lady, who i have no idea who she was,… had bad teeth. This is Jackie Chan!!!, people…This lady might be some famous actress but at least give him a lady with good teeth. The main villian in this film was not convincing at all. He seems to be like some guy who was modelling one day and suddenly decided to try acting, in the movies. These days, everyone just wants to crossover……politicians, models, writers, radio people, doctors…..crossing over is the new "THING" of the century. OK,Ok,OK…….some of you reading now maybe chinese…..who might get easily offended……..so i’m gonna give you the chance to transfer to another page…Ok?…….Go!……..gone?…….Ok, well don’t tell our chinese friends……this movie sucks!!! As in!!! I wanted to walk out…but i also wanted to make this film review. The poor thing in these whole film is…Jackie Chan. He showed terrific acting and poured a lotta work into it……it showed…i actually would blame the writer and the producer…but part of the blame goes to everyone who decided to make the movie…even to me…who spent to see it. I love jackie chan(..in a fan based way), so i hope he redeems himself and make a new movie. To tell you the truth, i kinda liked Rush Hour 1. Besides Jackie Chan, the supporting lady that was the love interest of the sucky supporting actor that played his partner, was actually pretty cute. Yep, if you still wanna see this film…..gather around 20 people and gather some of your hard earned money……and buy the pirated DVD……No, wait!….VCD…..and share it……watch Jackie Chan do some really good work in a very unimagined film…and look out for the beautiful lady i was talking about…I would gladly appreciate it if anyone can get the name of that actress…short haired cop……..now, how’s that for a film review…

                          3000 People Came…Yes, that’s 3000. I became number 62 that day, in a long series of people falling in line, trying to meet this amazing writer. Just who is Neil GAimaN? Neil is popularly known for his SANDMAN series, as well as novels like NEVERWHERE, CORALINE, and The DAy i Swapped My Dad for Two GOld Fish…as well as many more…The way i see it, Neil writes up an unpredictable world…very imaginative and different…Very trite, petite, poetically unstable….his stories so original…sometimes it creeps me out, and at the same time…never fails to astonish and tickle my perceptions…always reminding me to pay close attention to every fine detail and keep an open mind while your at it. I’m sure some of you probably have not read any of his works. I eagerly suggest you to start Coraline or SandMan: Endless Knights…Or The DAy i Swapped My Dad for Two GOld Fish…

                    Neil was enthusiastic during the whole affair. I originally thought of him as this rude british guy who has punk written all over him…to my suprise he was a very nice guy. He was always trying to satisfy the crowd with him reading some chapters of the current book his writing(the NANCY BOYS). He would read poetry and show some scenes from his new movie:MIRRORMASK. He even walked to the crowd earlier that day to see the line and probably to look at art exhibit dedicated to his work. Neil signed for 708 people that day…each probably had 4 books each. What started out at around 5:30pm…ended at around 1:30am…Later on, he would talk to the fans…maybe draw some pigs or doodle while he signed. (I wished he doodled a little on my book). He would occasionally ask die hard fans if they needed a hug…I, of course did not get such an offer…he even asked that pregnant and people with kids to go first in line. In the end, I think neil appreciates that his success was also partly due to people who loved his work. The ones that supported him. His Fans…I think that appreciation is something that is lost in a lot of artists in all different kinds of medium. Even Politicians. They don’t appreciate that all that they have achieved would never be possible if not for the people who believed in them…and thats why its important not to get lost in ourselves and always keep in mind that we are never alone in this world and probably wouldn’t survive without each other…After a while, i thought to myself: "Golly gee, Neil is a nice guy afterall…"

THIS IS THE STORY…of the day we forgot to pay for our coffee. Just kidding. It’s just that i got this friend, called Caz or Nuts or Conio Crazy, who for unknown reasons, in the middle of reviewing biochemistry(yet again..), decided to walk up to the barista of our local favorite coffee shop, and ask if we can look like them and take shots. Of course, a dozen other people in that place probably has fluctuating opinions of our sanity right now, but who can argue to the fact that, we would probably do well as baristas, or at least look pretty good doing that part…Thanks SBUKS!!!

"FOX" by JB Abano

I am a watcher, a describer of sorts;

who has a thousand ideas of absolutely nothing.

With my little brown eyes…I shift swiftly,..only to move slowly. To capture every breath and every detail life gives me.

And thus,i capture them all. All the tiny little sounds…All the fluttering fleeting movements…All that scattered wasted emotions…just hanging, in this rusty dew air.

It all comes so vivid and so real…So strange, yet so natural. It’s almost astonishing. It’s almost cruel..

BLUE. Exactly how i feel. There’s always this time in the year, every single year, were things seems so blue. I’m not talking about pastel colors though, but the jazzy type of blue…in feeling blue. Must be the season or must be the weather. It’s like your stuck in the spot that you can’t even wiggle out of. I would like to adopt something i read before…"Things will always get really, really, really bad before they became good". And it’s not even gonna be really, really good, because the next bad is probably around the corner somewhere. Good follows bad. It is kinda amazing. Recently things haven’t been going well. And i think i might be helping it get worse in every step i take. There are somethings you knew was wrong, months before, but you just actually find out. Dosen’t help when people move on without you also. Like shedding an old tire. It would seem the world has a funny sense of humor. Stress from the review is quickly creeping in. It all piles up on you, and theres nothing you can do. Having people help might actually make things worse. When you lose someone, the first thing people would always say is, "Move on…Don’t dwell on the past…it’s for the best". That makes me smile sometimes. Like I would ever wanna forget the special people in my life. The way they looked and felt, just being with. But you know what, a new cycle is probably waiting for me to start. Maybe around the corner. Gonna meet new people, gonna be placed in the most absurd positions, and probably gonna wrestle with out-of-proportion situations. That’s just me. I just hope the next good thing that comes is something i can hold on to,…longer. But until then…i just hate being in between phases of my life…This place where there is no meaning in anything that you do…I just hate feeling blue…

KIM. Well i’ve decided that i should write more about people that i know and that have affected me the most in the past year. So the next few post are gonna be people pieces…and i wanted to start with kim.I met kimoy a year ago during my first PGH duty on my first day as an intern. It all started out with me, finding how amusing she and her partner was when they spent the whole 24 hours with 2 patients! Yes, TWO. Yep, thats the first time i saw her. The next was in the canteen where i finally met her a month later. I’m gonna say this once…Kim became my friend at the right time and the right place. These were pretty disturbing times for me…i was lost, uninspired, depress, and indifferent to the world. To sum it all up, kim saved my life. Just as i thought i knew everything in life (which is how most of us feel,most of the time), kim showed me that it is never enough. It is never enough to be satisfied with one thing, that we have to continue to explore and do better…That the world is somewhat bigger than most of us percieve it to be. Yes, kim saved me. Who watches the watcher? Who heals the healer? Who makes the cheerful more cheerful? Kim does. She makes me laugh. She makes my heart go on vacation. And she pretty much irritates me enough for me to move on and do what i have to. Besides the fact that she beautiful, smart, very talented, and makes sounds so bubbly, that it just captures your imagination…I am grateful i met her and that for all the flaws and trouble i have been, she has decided to remain as my friend til maybe the next time usher goes back in manila…that or nicolas cage…that or maybe when they make a  HELLO KITTY movie…

STARBUCKS…has lately been my haven along with 2 other people, for the last 2-3 weeks. Probably around the size of 2 classrooms, the good people of BF Starbucks has welcomed me and my compadres to the sweet hospitality that they offer. Armed mostly by AFFROGATOS and CARAMEL FRAPPIES, we decide to undergo a series of tortures in reviewing for the medical board exams. When asked, CAZ THE TAZ, stated…"I wish they played the "SPAGHETTI SONG" more often. BEL THE DANCEL would often be found on top of her seat with acrobatic positions as she tried to conquer the book of papers that she has been lugging around. FOX(me) would often stare at his book wishing laser beams would shoot out and burn them and the silly people behind him making sqeaky noises. These three, restless adventurers tackle what they believe to be the biggest exam of their lives. And at least for the time being, my jokes are being heard in this haven…