A Life Less Ordinary

  There is something very Grave i need to talk to you about…. I hesitate to start now, but the inevitable always comes…and now is as good a time as any. I can’t daly any longer…I can’t ignore this pressing problem….I hope you came here open-minded…because what i have to tell you is very dire….it is an age old problem that is getting worse and worse as time walks on. I’m afraid, my friend….that I can’t DANCE…and it’s getting worse.

          From my perspective…when i was a kid…i would dance to my hearts delight….never minding anyone who watches how clumsily i land my foot…never minding how my rhythm beats to another song that probably wasn’t the one playing at that time….Either way….My dance was what i would like to call "THE DANCE". Hmmm….as years went by….as i was filled with inching aspects of awareness….for myself and the opposite sex….i inchingly developed what i would call…."THE DANCE II". This is kind of dance was preceeded with me imagining 3 steps ahead of what i was gonna do next….where my right foot will be….where my left arm would be….if i’m gonna sway my head to the side…..and like most cellphones lately….i would lose signal and my dance moves would be choppy as my head made plans after plans on what to do next…..My favorite dance by the way…is the "Slow Dance", where no planning is involve and all i gotta do is look straight at those eyes, look charming, and avoid stepping on HER feet.

You might ask, why i have a sudden affinity for this issue whereas the country’s problem facing political instability, economic plunge, and a fickle minded Gas prices that they can’t seem to decide on. Well, recently, i drove for my mom….being the obedient boy that i was….to this bar called Bykes. It was a classy bar with a lot of Old people and dance instructors who were fairly good. There was even a Senator there dancing like a 20yr old, but best i keep that to myself. Good thing i had my second cousin, Allyson, to keep me company in this dreadful situation. But as i was watching people move….i had flashbacks of the night before when i was in this rented bar party, where most doctors danced to the bit of some groovy and hippity hoppy music. Of course i was half drunk….and when 2-3 pretty ladies asks you to dance….my defenses can only do so much. If they only knew those defenses were placed to protect them from the hoorible sight of me dancing. Anyway, flash forward they probably regretted it….but for some odd reason, they found it cute that i tried….but still regretted it. So i’m back, reeled in that night at Bykes, and suddenly was invited to dance….to be taught how to dance….i said Yes without so much hesitation. Yuck!, you say….but i needed some edge….some foot landing techniques….some charming moves….besides, i was already stuck there, might as well make the best of it and make it educational. So i was thought, somewhat, how to swing….the waltz though was hard….some reggae got to me….I think it’s best we keep this particular details to ourselves…might ruin that macho image i’m trying to project. The next day, as i was doing my treadmill at Fitness first, they were showing "Save the last Dance", from which i took some mental-notes-to-self. And now, i "borrowed" that pirated DVD of Shall we dance movie. In all aspects, once my minds makes some goals, i try my best to achieve them. Having the Heart to achieve what you want is very important…to inspire oneself, no matter what your handicap is, is a show of true strength. I guess if i can’t teach you how to dance….at least i can show you how having heart can make you a better person….every single day that walks on by…

The lights were glorious…the stage was set. Across a crowded room of 1,500, multiplied by 2 or 3, a loud roar filled the place with signs of laugther and relief. As people turn to each other and congratulate….for the amount of work and sacrifice each one individually gave….my world fell silent. Everything slowed to a crawl…I looked across that crowded room and saw the way that light attached itself to every sigh…every whisper…and every secretly tingling thing people said to each other, making them hush, hush, and blush. What a beautiful sight. But suddenly, a cold, cold one stabbed me in the back…and as my world spiraled down…i thought to myself…All bad days will eventually end…but right now i’m here, stuck with a big one. Maybe its best to tell what has went on of late. I PASSED, thank you. Every single prayer everyone said for me, thank you. I know i can’t thank you all or show my gratitude, it’s almost impossible due to the number of people…maybe it would be best to let my work be a symbol of that thanks. I have completed my 2 week neuro pre residency, and have no idea of the outcome as of now. I am now certain i would want to go into that field but remain indifferent as to if i get accepted. I guess i just need a break from competing all the time. As you may know, i couldn’t resist getting back into the action of treating patients. So i took a single 24hour duty at a small provincial hospital were i resided as the only physician on duty to handle the whole place. It was scary but i somehow manage it with good diligence. That was fun and fullfilling. And today of all days…i just came from my oath taking into the field of medicine. That room of 5500 people, filled witha joyous hymm of success and achievement. So why am i blogging about Bad days? I fail to remember if someone said this to me, or if i read it somewhere…..Or if it is another of those loose thoughts i always have. "Success without company or someone to share it with, is a complete and utter cold blooded murder of happiness everywhere". And thats exactly how i feel. Like someone murdered my happiness. This is as selfish as i can get i guess. Truly, i think to myself, maybe you should stop thinking about yourself and get on with your job. Well, I have done exactly that and have been keeping focus up to now. I expect that i will be doing the same thing tomorrow and the next. But i can’t help how i feel…just like admiring someone who dosen’t admire you back. I have been in this dilemma way back even as i was reviewing for the boards. People always had someone to go out with and share those laughs whereas I fail to find someone who i can share my laughs with. I have friends, and they mean a lot to me, but they can never be there for me most of the time and its not the same. And before you speculate….it’s not even  about the "SEX". Nope, i expect i can get that if i truly wanted just that. I just feel lonely even though i have thousands of people around me. Like i’m empty and only a half of a person. I have done a lot of good things of late, only to get my happiness murdered by that same feeling. And "BATMAN and friends" can only do so much to temporarily ease the pain. I pray to God sometimes, that he may lead me to someone who i can click with, work with, and cherish the adventure that i am having. This is screwy entry really, but a necessary one if we are to continue writing. It’s the only place i can tell my story(without sounding whinny and gurly). My name is Dr.JOHN BENEDICT ABANO, I’m 25yrs old, who can go anywhere and do anything with my life….and yet i feel sad. Seeing people happy makes me jealous and have to pour extra work just to be preoccupied. This of course wont stop me especially since i find relief and joy in my work…and i do love making people happy and healthy….but i’m hoping happiness is something i can also have some for myself….someday…