A Life Less Ordinary

"Why are we here?…..Have we forgotten already?…..I look meticulously at my shot…..and wonder about the neon lights, and my smokey eyes tonight. It’s another 2AM and i’m drunk again…..with something heavy on my mind. I glance at the bar…….and i see Pablo, Edgar, and William…..all drowning in their drinks…..drowsy….sleepy…..The world ever crawling slower. I call up to the bartender…..and I ask him for another drink. I plead him sweetly to make it stronger……because i really don’t need to think. And with that last round, I can make my way home. As heavy as my head was….my chest seems to weigh heavier. My life…….A dancing page of newspaper……Caught in a devil whirlwind……..being pushed in every direction. In this dimly lit…..and elegantly furnaced cavern……I find temporary respite from all my demons.

             I close my eyes and bang my head……and when I look up, she’s suddenly there again. Beside me. Drinking…………drinking a glass of what passes for a ladies drink these days. Her lips…..beautiful…..pinkish red…….wrap around the round bed of a bar glass. I looked at her again……For the infinite time……Her eyes beam through me. Their round…….Fascinating….ever quiching and ever blinking…… I swear an oath to them each time. Her hair……God, that hair!……spread all over her face. It’s the fondest thing i have ever seen in my life. This woman is amazing. But the best thing about her……….(besides the fact that she’s funny and understands everything…..even korean)………is her smile. A compassionate smile. From the first day i saw that smile………I lost myself. I lost my legs. I crumbled to the ground. My reigning empire….gone…..in seconds,…..a shift in her grin has ruined me. I tell myself…….I cannot fall. I cannot surrender. I would never do well in such open quarters. That i am vulnerable……and would easily be taken for granted. That I would clumsily lead any hope to doom. But with enough inspiration……..I foolishly gather myself. I call onto the different aspects of my life to give me strength and courage to face my fear. I take the deepest breath i have ever taken…….shakingly, I lift myself up……..and I stop breathing….and with painful sincerity………With a bold and brave resolve……I proclaim myself.

I tell her i love her…

With so much excitement……in the bashing moment…….. I blink…….idiot!!! She’s gone. I wipe my smokey eyes out,……..look around,……. and shake my head…..It’s true!….she was never there…..just a "figament" of my imagination. An alcoholic mirage for a few seconds. It’s true!…….I am officially insane. Crazy drunk. Fat loser. Stubborn idiot. Delirious lover. I let out a small sigh…..And then I start to remember……."Why am i here?"……(nodding)…..I haven’t forgotten. I am here because I wasn’t that strong. I couldn’t find a way to make it work. Because I failed that ‘smile‘…….and now, I’m haunted by it. I look around,….and all I see are neon lights, gorgeous women……sexy flirtets…….wild lingerie……intoxicated comrades…….jack walker………and my friendly bartender. Sinking yet another one, I plead the old bastard for another drink……and i impose upon him to make it strong………….because i really don’t want to think……."

After 48 hours of sleepless work…..a strenous work out…… and a plate of lasagna with 6 bottles of beer……I mindlessly wrote for 4 hours with 500 Dave Matthew Band "Grace is Gone" music in the background. I have written something worth 2 days of thought, a week of wondering, a month of life, and years of preparation. This kinda work does not come easy nor cheap. But I could almost swear it failed to describe how i truly felt.

It was cold and I couldn’t sleep…tossing and turning in bed for hours…my thoughts running rancid wild…I got tired condemning myself to sleep…so I sit up and began to make my way outside. Of all the nights that I couldn’t dream…it had to be tonight. I was originally hoping it would painlessly pass…that the holiday cheer would be swift and abrupt. It was a sadistic joke of fate. Someone out there was having their chuckles while I was walking around in the coldest time of the year. The icy chills…cracked on my skin…and I felt envious with the unequalled radiance from the houses where families and friends indulge themselves with company. The laughter resonated to the snow around me. It reminded me of what I left behind. What happened to all the women and friends I had? They were 35,000 miles away…it felt like 35,000 miles. They probably were fleetingly happy…I would be a burden…I wouldn’t deserve them tonight anyway…

The world became very quiet…and dark…and snow muffles any grey hues or cries. It is deceivingly clean, serene, and silent. I love the world best when it’s like this. It’s quiet…and empty…No…not quite empty. I hear a raspy labored breathing…a clumsy figure walking across the street. He seems to be exhausted…walking towards the dark church behind me. He doesn’t notice me…maybe it was too dark. He seems sick…diabetes? Prostate disease?…I can fairly guess. Thut, thut, thut…the old man’s cane…creaking muscles, strung to brittle bones and tendons. Each movement, a careful painful activity…the old man stops and looks up to the temple…never giving attention to my callous form.

He topples his hat to the ground…and began to whisper…”Why?”…his raspy voice suddenly cried. “Why Lord?! Why have you done this to me? I kept you in my heart and mind all this years…and this is what you have given me?” With an angry voice taking over, he cries…”YOU TOOK MY FRIENDS…AND I ACCEPTED…Because it was their time… YOU TOOK AWAY MY WIFE…AND I ACCEPTED IT!… Because it was mercy to end her suffering…Now, I am alone…I no longer know this world…it frightens me…I don’t want to be here anymore Lord…Yet you refuse to take me…You refuse to take away this endless night!” He crumbles to the ground and cries, saying he has nothing left…and how a quiet death is the only thing he needed now. Foolishly, I speak up.

“Maybe God has a plan for you.” What an utterly stupid thing to say, but I began to build from it, wondering if I am torturing this man. “Who?”, the old man replied. “A friend sir, someone…who understands…life is hard…and we seem to lose a lot along the way. We rarely gain anything of permanence…yet we lose things so easily. Sometimes we are compensated…sometimes we are not. I’ve had people taken from me too…taken by simple pride…ambition…and an idea that I am destined to be alone. The people who taught me to be a man…and the woman I have loved so dearly…taken away by such simple idiosyncrasy. It was very hard to maintain faith in anything after. But it seems that I have…and I really don’t know why. I guess I always knew there was a reason for me…I too can still do good things with my life…so can you…if you don’t let despair bogged you down…if you don’t let this cold overwhelm you.” He listened shockingly still, like my every word was the only thing in the world that existed for him. I felt important…and shared a kinship with this lost soul. Suprisingly still, he calmly asks “You speak from above…are you an angel?”…”No, I am but a man”…I took his hand and graced it against my face…it was a thoughtless move that seemed like the right thing to do. “You feel abandoned sir…but even in a night such as this, you are not alone…does that not give you something to hold on to? Does it not give reason to have faith?” The old foggy shakingly smiles…and what seems to be acceptance, he raspily asks for his cane for which he is lost without it. I tell him everyone needs someone…sometime…to show them the way. I take his arm and tell him that I’ll help him get home but not before we find some local dinner and get a serving of steak and eggs…maybe some peppermint coffee. It was dark and cold…but I told him it was a good white night for both of us. He just stares at me…blankly…with a sincere and happy grin…tears fell from his eyes…joyfully he says…”Merry Christmas…”

Ummm….How do you make "LIGAW"?…Honestly, this doctor has no idea whatsoever how to go about it….whenever i set my mind on it…..set on courting anyone….I turn into a clumsy pathetic mushroom….The Great Doctor Fox….turned into a whinner and a loser….I don’t know why i’m feeling this way….i shouldn’t….I hate it….I hate it that i’m liking this person very much…I mean i have a list of what my ideal woman is…and she just made me forget about that list….She’s not naman my type…..I can’t even blog right….the repercussions of liking someone and announcing it is somewhat lost to me….I don’t even care about that….I didn’t expect it though….What kinda trick did fate pull on me this time? I usually just talk to a person…make jokes…talk….go out…and if i like her…i see where it goes….but to make "ligaw" is something a 1st yr High School student can teach me…I skip that part of my life….It’s kinda funny…and i’m probably gonna regret posting this…but what the heck….Your help and inputs might YET save me from my disastrous self this last few days…