A Life Less Ordinary

For a guy trying to be a man without fear……I am Afraid. Fear has invaded every aspect of my life and has seeded every corner. My new found happiness is packed with fear…enough to make one stand down and fly away. It is good however to note that the very warmth of her breathe and gushing cheeks is enough to make me forget even my own name. Still fear has seeded that future. I have fears on further breaking my family apart…the weakness it may bring to our chain. Fear that i may settle in the states whereas i always wanted to settle in manila. Fear of this New Job that will take me 2 years to finish. Fear of the immediate exam next week. Fear that all of this would still amount to nothing…and all the things i set out to do will be forgotten…and my life would be meaningless. Maybe it’s just too many changes to handle in such short time. Too early to even fail. Like Ron Marz said in Green Lantern: "the trick in doing the impossible is taking the first step…". It is funny though…I’m taking those first steps…sitting in this hard wooden chair…with the smell of coffee all around…dim yellow lights…with all the korean people surrounding me…i can’t help but wonder why i am yet so alone in this trials. I half expected things to be different considering the certain changes throughout the months. Yet, I face my demons alone yet again. I am fascinated on how fate always reminds me of the proverb i was embedded in as i was growing up. That this is my life…My own life…and that i shall carry it alone. That no matter what happens…or what people say…i am destined to be alone. That i can carry other people…If and only if…i learn to carry my own…If and only if…i never forget. That to think otherwise, would be foolish and detrimental. To want something more…invites disappoinment and misery. And there lies my fear…the very reason i am afraid…the justification of this entry. I am afraid because…i am a stubborn bastard…who shall still try…no matter what my fate is…I shall face my demons…not without fear…but with courage…and whatever strength i do/don’t have…because in the end…i know where i am gonna go…I know what my fate will be…but in my end…the future…like so many things in life…is open to my own interpretation…What’s yours?

"I want to be a superhero"…..That’s what i always chanted in my head as i was growing up. I still get hot flashes…delusional scenarios…of me making that stubborn little choice of saving someone’s life, or getting myself killed trying. I often ask God why he wouldn’t grant me this wish. Anything i can use for this task…or even just the scenarios where i can make that difference. Yes, every single birthday, holy place, every single wish and fountain i have visited…all over the world…i had one wish…but he never granted it…and i think i know why. Ever wished life was simpler like when we were kids? I often wished i was back in the 2nd grade with this guy named Capino…who i was comforting on the pebbled steps of Don Bosco Makati. We were both crying about a transformer toy that got comfiscated in class. I remember it vividly…how we wished toys would be allowed in school. i remember that time and wish i was back there…wishing i was back here…where i am right now. It is really weird how people would wish they were somewhere else…while they are wishing to be back where they are right now. Right now, i worry about big exams…about life…Money…People my age worry about having a family…paying the bills…trying to survive the stampede of adulthood. Trying to meet expectations from other "more adult people". I miss not making life altering decisions…whether it’s my life on the line or someone else’s…i miss not having to decide. We come back to my original wish…of being a superhero. Imagine the great responsibility that it must have…I mean…close your eyes…really close your eyes…imagine…then open them so you can read the rest of my blog. Right now, i am tasked with responsibilities of saving lives…paying bills…complying with the social laws…and being a passively rational understanding person. People expect too much from me already…and i insanely wanted to add a building on top of those expectations…of those responsibilities. I am a stubborn little man…who still sometimes irrationally wish…i still do…i wish for my fate to twist and change…and maybe…just maybe…get my chance to become a superhero…