My Own Civil War…
Saturday, January 20th, 2007
"I’m supposed to be able to do anything with this life……Anything I ever imagined. Save the world?…I’ve done that…more than once…and more than one life. Not to brag or anything, but I have saved and helped countless of needy lives…their eyes are the only thanks I ever needed. So why can’t I save my own life? Why is nothing clear or simple anymore?
The hardest thing I had too do in this life was to give up. I never gave up on med or in anything…when the going got tough…I just went head on…foolishly understanding every intricacy of the big picture, while blindly walking further and further down a path of being someone I am not. I thought it would be so brilliant, yet so naive. Did I really think I had the guts to make these moves without personal costs? Without doing evil to myself and others? I know what needs to be done…I know what it will cost me…am I really ready to make that sacrifice? Will people truly understand what I had to give up when I make that choice?
I want to come home to her…so bad. I need that closure. With her…I dont think I will ever have it. Even by some miracle if I get to see her again…I dont think I will ever feel better with this path we have chosen. It may just make things worse. I looked for her last night…under blankets and sheets…and in my dreams…I saw her leave me. I lost someone very important last night…I lost so much already…gave up so much for my dreams…and I came here…in this beautiful place…to find a better meaning for myself. Maybe life will give me a closure someday…A friend told me I would not find it externally…the closure I needed…she was so, so right. She told me that whenever she has a feeling…like the feeling I was having now…and it’s doing her little good…and she decided she dosen’t like it anymore…If she thought she was done with it…She lets it go. I should just let it go…dreams, memories, and my old life. I need to let myself go. My name is John Benedict Abano…and I am alone. I chose to be alone. I have to be stronger…I have to keep an open mind. It is not easy for us I guess. I would love to just call it a day, go back home, and sit in a room…with a diet rum coke on the rocks…my beautiful girl, and just smoke ourselves to death. Those demons poke at me every single second of every single day. But I believe in this project…I believe the man behind it…I believe on the beauty of North Carolina…and most importantly, I believed in my dreams…and I need to see this through.
