A Life Less Ordinary

"I want to be a superhero"…..That’s what i always chanted in my head as i was growing up. I still get hot flashes…delusional scenarios…of me making that stubborn little choice of saving someone’s life, or getting myself killed trying. I often ask God why he wouldn’t grant me this wish. Anything i can use for this task…or even just the scenarios where i can make that difference. Yes, every single birthday, holy place, every single wish and fountain i have visited…all over the world…i had one wish…but he never granted it…and i think i know why. Ever wished life was simpler like when we were kids? I often wished i was back in the 2nd grade with this guy named Capino…who i was comforting on the pebbled steps of Don Bosco Makati. We were both crying about a transformer toy that got comfiscated in class. I remember it vividly…how we wished toys would be allowed in school. i remember that time and wish i was back there…wishing i was back here…where i am right now. It is really weird how people would wish they were somewhere else…while they are wishing to be back where they are right now. Right now, i worry about big exams…about life…Money…People my age worry about having a family…paying the bills…trying to survive the stampede of adulthood. Trying to meet expectations from other "more adult people". I miss not making life altering decisions…whether it’s my life on the line or someone else’s…i miss not having to decide. We come back to my original wish…of being a superhero. Imagine the great responsibility that it must have…I mean…close your eyes…really close your eyes…imagine…then open them so you can read the rest of my blog. Right now, i am tasked with responsibilities of saving lives…paying bills…complying with the social laws…and being a passively rational understanding person. People expect too much from me already…and i insanely wanted to add a building on top of those expectations…of those responsibilities. I am a stubborn little man…who still sometimes irrationally wish…i still do…i wish for my fate to twist and change…and maybe…just maybe…get my chance to become a superhero…

Here we go again….Trapped with another one…I see flickerish lamps and hazy shinny objects…a dim shade of light…and stale smoke hanging in the air…I grab my glass and sip…and drink what lefts of it. I am surrounded by my often friends…Johnny, Jack, Smith,…JB, Miguel, and Tito Pepe. Nobody really likes Tito Pepe…but we still let him hang around with us. Johnny laughs and tells me how pathetic i am. That all my frustrations are a joke. I really wish it was. Nothing seemed to be going my way. I felt so alone…so tired…that i can do no right. I tell them how clumsy i was with a lot of things. Relationships, work, and even small little things…I seem to fcuk it all up. It was irrational…unfair…like i was being bullied by fate. Finishing my drink i gave johnny and jack the finger anyway…hoping it would work on them and make me feel better. But they just bloody laugh. JB and Miguel tells me maybe i should try harder…I tell them i already have. Smith just shook his head and looked at me with pity. Tito Pepe would speak up…but he knows better than to say anything in my current state of mind. I like to give up now…I tell them that it does not seem to matter how much i try…people would look down on me…people i have known all my life would take risks with me…but they would never believe in me…and even if i do make it, It would not change the way they saw me. That is was all for nothing. I tell them i am leaking hope…tears began to fall down from my eyes. I start to wish i never existed…i wished I was dead…that a huge comet would just fall on me and end this silly joke. I plead them…to just make it stop……….Then suddenly…i feel a light brush of a hand…unnerving my scalp…brushing my hair. It was so soft and so gentle that it sent a sweet chill in my spine. I look around and i see angel black eyes and long brown hair…Her rosy cheeks and naughty angel smile calms my every thought…She seemed worried. "Where have you been?" I asked…She told me she was looking for me…and that i forgot to take my pills. I tell her i love her and that I was just thinking. She says that she knows. Her voice is so calm…so soothing…like mints. I start to look around…and i see an empty room…i see friends back in their shelves…quiet…dusty…watching. I look back at her, and say "honeydude, I’m tired…Can we go home now?"…She smiles and lets a tear out…she takes my hand warmly and with a smile…i stagger to stand…and start to make our way home…

It’s been awhile since i wrote anything…mostly because my life has been tumbling and tossing since i met Margie. That and trying to juggle my way and devour books again for my Medical Board Exams in the States. It hasn’t been perfect…but i’ve never felt happier in my life. She brings me life…she lit a lot of dark corners in me and has showed me love in almost every language. She goes to the south every so often…i kinda like the way the light attaches itself to her in the south. The light and sounds…and the very air are different when she is around. She has gotten so good in calming my uncompromising labile mood. I can’t seem to think of any other person who can do that. I just melt everytime i hear her say that i am her man. I know it is just an ego thing…but she says it with a lot of sincerity and sureness that i feel so damn special. I spent 3 days with her in the beach…where i got to sleep right beside her…I woke one night and started to stare at her…you can tell a lot from how a person sleeps…She looked so peaceful, calm….beautiful. She is beautiful beyond words. I have met her a dozens times since then…and each time…she makes my chest burst out. I wail and flinch inside my head…like a lunatic…I often wonder why we didn’t find each other sooner. Could have prevented a lot of life. But you see…that’s just it…we met each other at the right time and right place. You don’t prevent life…you allow it. Every pain and pleasure…because without life…then what is it all worth for? If i had to go through it all over again…i would wait again…for that right time…I’m glad my heart is resting beside margie now…while she sleeps…

It was dark…with a lot of neon lights…flashing…the sound of acoustic alternative rang thru the air…It never failed to amaze me how this life could turn things upside down…inside out…but I met Margie one ordinary evening…It wasn’t the kind of evening you would think things like this happens. But it did. A friend(Arvin) introduced us, and we just started talking. Not intellectually talk, or that interview kinda talk…just talking…and smiling. I got her number to add to my ever growing repressed social life. The next day I broke Guy rule#8 and texted. Nothing special…just chatting with my new friend. 3 days later, i was invited to try some secret blueberry cheesecake she was famous for. What was suppose to be a lunch thing turned into an afternoon of talking…and starring. My heart just literally screamed for her…and i don’t know why…but I kissed her that evening…as sweet and as simple as a kiss can be. It wasn’t out of desire…or stupidity…or spontaneity…or that new generation kinda fad. It was the sorta kiss that said…"Thank God i found you". Delirious the next day…i tried to find every rational thought i could think of to end this silly thing. She’s obviously different and I’m uninteresting, How else would i fit in? Basically, I was overthinking.

                 I saw her again the day after the next. We had a dinner date. I tried my best to find every reason not to like her, but when someone abstractly fits in your arms, in your eyes, in your smile…it’s kinda hard not to. The following day did not change, we tried to date in a more social way. It was a way for us to see if we were high and blinded to reason somehow. I remember trying to catch a glimpse of her across the crowded room. Her smile was 5 ft. away, but it warmed my heart anyway. I made my journey towards her, in the place i first met her…thinking of things i could say. Not that there was anything cool i could say. My mind just failed me again. But when i did reach her…i kissed her…secretly…and i didn’t think she noticed. Our bodies were just dancing around each other…5 inches apart…trying not to crush each other…trying not to lose control. As we were playing around with all the mixed thoughts and feelings…we were caught by what felt like a million eyes in the room. Embarrased, i did the only thing i thought could rescue me from running out…i secretly kissed her again…and gave her a secret hug too. Cheesy…Yes, but it was a cheesy night for both of us.

                The day after the next, we went out to see some friends. A friend of mine(Mark) asked me what the deal was…I told him the truth…that we were dating. Suddenly, i felt like i was lying. The truth became a lie. It was something that haunted me as we drove to Capones after the party. For whatever reason, i found myself admiring her again in front of a red wall. It seemed red at that time. But the light…the way the light attached itself to her…my heart just bled out. I tried to keep myself at bay…not to say anything…it was like a giant wave was about to crash upon me. So, i gathered what was left of myself…and made myself look like i had something to offer. I had trouble finding the words…it was 8 years ago since i had any use for any of them. Like a traditional geek, i traditionaly needed her to fill in the blanks…or to decipher my blabbering heart. I swear…when she said "Yes"…seven thunders uttered their voices. Things became so trivial…Life had meaning again…and i kissed her…not secretly…but for the world to see. In retrospect, i guess we both knew it  from the day we first had lunch. The first time our eyes really met. It was right in front of us the time we were introduced…but we only saw it later. It is hard to explain how i feel right now…i guess i feel inspired…like layers of misery just decided to let up just this once. We still do have every reason not to be together…sordid pasts, different lifestyles…worlds apart…people telling us how irrational we both are together…But at the end of the day…After all the hard work and daily life we both endure…i guess it’s really nice to get to hang my heart with someone like margie…

Your name is John…….and tonight your walking away from the pain. You can’t seem to lose it. It tears at you….claws at every single thought you have. Your soul is broken…..You taste your own blood and you tell yourself that the white coat and stet you wear serve a purpose…..When you put them on…..part of you fades away. As a doctor you can supposedly deal with anything. That mask you wear, guards you…..gives you a real life. But there is a side of you that no one else can see. Sometimes, those sides of you begin to cross…..they cause you pain and misery. When that happens, all you want to do is go back in time and erase everything…..because you know how it will all end.

             You arrive at the hospital where you work at. It’s a busy place with a lot of lost souls. You are there for a different reason. She is dying. You spent all your life trying to find her. You make a big mess out of it…….and eventually, you succeed. But tonight, she is leaving you. The world seems to have stop moving…..you couldn’t care less. She looks at you…..and you hold her hand. You wanna take her away in your arms and kiss her….outrun death. But you are helpless. You are not used to being helpless. You are not used to fighting something you can’t hit. She tells you that she knew you were special back then,….and that she should have known sooner. You hush her cries, and tell her everything is gonna be ok. That you are sorry for not being there sooner. She dosen’t blame you. She tells you that it is destiny….that she is not afraid to die. She says that it was never meant to last….not the way you wanted it. That both of you should have walked away when you guys had the chance…..but both of you wanted something real. She wipes your tears and tell you that you have a unique destiny…..that the world needs people like you. You tell her that you need her. She dies a little bit after……..but not before kissing you…..telling you that you already had everything she could give……..

                  There are times in your life where it will all cross…..they cause you great pain and misery. When that happens, all you want to do is go back in time and erase everything…..because you know how it ends. But you can’t….that is not who you are. You don’t go back in time. You keep moving forward…….and you never stop fighting. Thats the real reason you will still put it on….even when you know there will never be a day when your not fighting. Win or lose, you try to save people……..and you will die trying……and maybe if you do die, you will come back just to do it all over again. A life ruled in karma. You tell yourself, the "mask" serves a greater purpose. It is a symbol of hope in a time without hope. As a doctor, you believe you can deal with anything…..but that is a lie. It does not matter how many lives you have lived….how many lives you have saved……..underneath it all, you are still a man…..who can be broken……just like everyone else. You keep on walking further away…..lost….with a single purpose…It is a dark shadowy evening…your cries are lost and unheard …your life placed aside….you are alone….like you were always meant to be……..

"I’m Frustrated…..and I’m Tired...It’s almost evening again and i’ve been up for 41 hours straight. I can’t feel myself….I move like a machine…careless…unattached. I don’t know if im more hungry or more sleepy anymore. Just numb. dirty. tired. frustrated. I got tons of work to do tomorrow for tomorrow…and it’s just piling on me right now. But like a miracle, i survived yet another duty and i’m happy to go home to my empty bed…my empty social life…and my empty lover’s arms. What a cheese. I was walking past this corridor, making my way out..when i glimpsed at a small kid…crying…not exactly crying…but tears were in his face…but like a soundless cry…he stares at the bodies of his dead parents. Like he was praying…swearing…or making promises that usual grievers make when people die.

          I muster up whats left of myself and try to do this thing we doctors do to comfort people. I must have done it a million times before….you try to say stuff…and hope you get through…or even just to lighten their load. Doctors are very keen people…they can tell if their doing it wrong or if their bullshit will actually work. So i arm up on comforting words…and i talk to him…His name is bruce. He didn’t seem all too interested with what i had to say. I began telling him about life…moving on…how hard it’s gonna be but he has to be strong…give some meaning to it all…that it wasnt his fault…and that he has to get pass this. I tell him what i thought he needed to hear. Like a dumb person who thinks he knows everything. Frack! I didn’t care anymore…i just wanted him to feel better…even just a little bit. So maybe i’d feel better too and sleep better. But it dosen’t work. He stands there scatterd in a million thoughts, grasping, swearing…tears flowing out of his eyes…and he dosen’t care…

          Just as i was about to leave…he asked me with a creepy voice of a child…"Why do you still do it? You know you can never stop death?"…i was strucked…I never expected to be strucked. I’m tired and this kid begins to question what i do. I’m strucked. Haven’t i done enough? Such a unthoughtful question. I was about to begin to explain…or use some rational bullshit again to get it over with…when a patient in the corridor codes. I place my things aside…and began to run the code…resuscitating the patient. It wasn’t my job anymore…my shift ended. But i was the closes doctor to the patient. None of it really matters in that moment. I just do what i do. Rationality aside…fairness aside…selfishness aside…i try to save this persons life. He begins to flatline…i take a whack at the paddles after intubating the patient. It takes me about 8 minutes…but the patient was revived. As soon as a doctor relieved me of the care…i gather my stuff again and make way. The little boy was apparently watching. His eyes were lost in thought. He began to ask again…with a creepy kid voice..."Why do you still do it? You know you can’t stop death." Maybe i was just too tired to care anymore of what he thought. You feel a "GIVE"…when your too tired of this bullshit life…honesty rises…like a subconscious thing…you cut loose and say something natural…something true. I tell him with what cracking voice i had left: "What are you talking about kid, I stop death everyday." I was proud and for the first time i stunned him. He flinches…trying to absorb the honesty…a million thoughts racing in his head…he shakingly asks: "But…who saves you? Who will take care of you if your already there?." i didn’t know if he was talking about me or himself anymore…confused on what he wanted me to say…but again i answered…"It dosen’t really matter does it? It won’t matter to the people i save today…it won’t matter to the people you save tomorrow. No one will understand…save you". He stares at me…and i could see that he understood something that people don’t usually understand. it’s something i don’t fully understand myself. People from his family finally arrive to embrace him and try to do what i had failed to do….to comfort him. But as i walked out of that hospital….i looked back…and i saw his eyes starring at me…hanging on the silly little words i just said. I didn’t care what he thought about it anymore…I was just plain dead tired. I came back the next morning, only to find out that the little boy’s name was bruce…bruce wayne. It hits me for a second…I got strucked again…I ponder about it for a few minutes…but then, it began to "don’t matter". As i was swamped again by people…trying to find the life they have lost. Trying to get back to the life they once had."

I wrote this story in the hope that people will be given a chance to see what doctors are and not just what they percieved them to be. All doctors are different. Some are crazy, some selfish, some nice, some are amatuers…and some are really good. Just like the regular people. But they just deal with something very, very serious….very precious to us all….Life. And that is why they have to be more than just regular people. They have to be something else entirely….to be able to save that life. I began writing this and i used all 10 doctors in my block to inspire me. They are, faults aside, the best group of doctors i wanna work with. I had some really fond memories that year. I just hope some of it will never "don’t matter" in the future as i go along.

Do you ever get the feeling your at a point in your life……Where you have to make a commitment and turn somewhere?…….Do you ever wonder about the other choices you didn’t take?…. Lately my days have all been like that. I’m currently reading, reading,….reading…..and reading again!!! For the US medical Boards. It’s an adventure i’ve been planning with my best friend since years ago. Although it is filled with uncertainty…..part of me, wants to stay also and take up residency. What residency?!?  Yup, I’m in between Neurology and Plastic Surgery. Whuh?! Worlds apart!!! Well,…..chill….let me explain. What appeals to me with neurology is that you can help people in their darkest hour. A friend, family, a total stranger….your there treating their stroke victims as best as you could. It’s a heroistic ideal of saving lives that i always had. What appeals to me with Plastic Surgery….is the fun part of surgery. It’s an art….and i am an artist. It’s something that is fun to do and helps change people too. I’m torn actually. In some parts of my life, I kinda mustered what little pride i had to make some really stupid choices. Someone told me if you really like someone you should stick it out. I told her it’s not the same if you know its not as mutual as you hoped it would be. That maybe life is as funny as i think it is and will let me pass on this one. I’m thinking of diving lately….taking up the course in the next week…….hide beneath the sea……..from the rest of the world. Maybe life would spin, spin, spin….until a new life appears and i wonder off again to see what roads i may take….people i can meet…adventures waiting for me…..

I’m in the Blue Oven again……..Got another 48hour duty done this week. It was ridiculously busy. I tried my best to cope though…but i’m beginning to feel it, taxing me. I always end up regretting doing some stuff and hope I can do better. That’s the thing with me….I’m never satisfied. I have to grow. Everything has to grow. That’s me. I can never sit still. But trying to know is different from understanding. Medicine for me has always been about two factors. The knowledge on the disease…and connecting with your patients. The only time you can be an effective doctor is when you connect with your patients…….and the people you work with….and elevate their lives…from the inside. This is very taxing both physically and emotionally. You can got through all sorts of emotions in minutes. That’s the key. But when everything is said and done…you always remember the bad things….you always end up short in one thing or the other. It’s a fact. And as i went home today…..i tried to look for some small comfort. Maybe to feel a little bit normal again. To try catch up on the world. To lean……But it’s kinda hard when you live in the different pace altogether. So, I’m back to reviewing for the US exam….which i’m kinda weary about. You see, they said working freelance would make you wanna stop training. For me, it has been an opposite catalyst. I wanna start training again. Soon. As Soon As Possible. But I sorta made an elaborate plan to escape this world for an adventure. An adventure with a lot of potential growing. Change is a frightening thing. Especially in the hands of a stubborn little kid like me. But I’m facing it head-on. Maybe i’m just tired……Maybe it’s just male-PMS…….i just didn’t expect a lot of things…….and i thought some things where better than they really are. I don’t know if i’m wrong….but I don’t think i would really know in this life. Getting a great temporary job and losing it in a few weeks can also be a bitch just when your starting to get the hang of it and actually care for it. My world seems to be evolving……Heating up…….getting ready to explode in the next few months…..I am horrified and equally excited about whats in store…….And I just hope i don’t regret one thing or the other. If that dosen’t work out……then, I’m just gonna have to find another path. Divine my own future. One that is uniquely mine. Not a page from someone else’s book……and definitely not a FATE that begins and ends on page one…….

I was talking with a friend the other day…..she is a nice little girl who became my friend for some reason i can’t remember….but i’d like to think we’re close….Anyway, she asked me to write down a list of what i want in a girl….or my "IDEAL" woman. This was a very unusual request that i thought i’d indulge. I’m always waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. But just as i think everything would be perfect….something always comes up…..Something always comes up…. I’d like to think that all i want is someone simple. Just like everyone else. But life is never simple. And i think i made my life screwy complex. So, maybe a list is a nice thing to do so as to guide me…..in a very weird sorta way………Here goes nothing………………………………………………………………….(after 30mins)……..Ok,ok….I made a list….and i read it….it was pretty ridiculous! Really…that’s why i never get to stay long with anybody. Terrible. Still, I really am not the kinda guy who just settles for anyone. So i texted my same friend….i told her my list was outrageous and maybe it was a bad idea….so she asked me…."What are the non-negotiables?"….then i thought about it. And told her that we have to be Kiss Compatible….She has to get along with my family and friends….Sweet, and loves me very dearly for who i am…She said…."There…is that not reasonable?". It’s nice to have friends like these during days like these. I’m going to sleep it off…

"It’s Beautiful……It’s almost eleven….on a saturday night….and I’m stuck in a room….kinda cool…..everyone is out….with their party clothes and their party hats….It’s kinda cool…….in the party rooms…..Got this laptop…..and i’m typing on it….funny….It’s all so weird….I’m thinking……Why am i here? I’m here because it’s cool to be here….This is the Best Place on Earth….And I think to myself…..why? why!? WHY?! has everything gone so fracking serious!….the world is crawling…..crawling so slow!…..and I’m just moving too fast!…..I’m gone!….I’m invisible!…..I’m a gaze!…….Funny part is…..I like it….all the pain….all the solitary thoughts…..My world is my own…..and there is no place i would rather be….there is no person i can ever be with…….It’s just me…..and this room….almost eleven….on a Saturday night…."